Apology

[** Readers are requested not to think the story as a self-flattery. Though I am sure they will understand at last the actual aim of this story]

I went to Ishwarpur when I was five years old. It was five hundred kilometers away from my hometown and I went with my parents by train. A long journey by train, especially for a long tour, was like a precious gift to me in that age. I love to travel. The scene from the train of the outside became familiar to me but when I used to play, enjoy my loneliness; those trees and vast field made me nostalgic.
I love hills. Ishwarpur was not in the lap of hills but the atmosphere was quite comfortable; charming coolness prevailed in the air. Actually my preference of traveling lied on the charming and cool weather. In that age, the beauty of the nature charmed my mind but somehow physical comfort was more important!
We were not alone; another family accompanied us. Ranjit Kaku, his wife Suchanda Kakima and their son- who was also five years old- Ratnadip were our companion. Ranjit Kaku was a colleague of my father. Then he was not working in the same office with my father and was transferred to Rashikpur. However, being a very close friend he kept contact and one day my father proposed that we, the two families, might go for a trip. He agreed to it and so it happened.

As we reached Ishwarpur, hotel booking was the first thing to be done. We proceeded through the congested lane by a taxi. Several rooms were rejected, as those were not good enough to provide us comfort! At last, two A.C Deluxe rooms were booked. Ratnadip started to jump on those beautiful and comforting beds and I, feeling inferior to him, remained silent.
“Come on! Enjoy”, he proposed.
“No, it’s ok”, I replied.
Now Suchanda Kakima rebuked him.
“What’s going on Babai? It’s not your home.”
“Oh, Chanda! Let him enjoy, it is the age.”, Ranjit Kaku said, his voice was cool and casual.
“It’s not the proper way of enjoyment. Is it?”
Ranjit Kaku did not reply. But Ratnadip was no more in the mood of jumping and making fuss.
However, my father interrupted, saying, “Ranjit, let’s clean ourselves and then we will go out to see if we can reserve a TATA SUMO.”
I went to our room, cleaned my face and then took a bath. The water that was showering on me was very much soothing after the train-journey.

When my father and Ranjit Kaku returned after reserving the car we went to visit the city. We fixed the idea of sightseeing for the first day. After visiting museum, zoo, botanical garden, we came to visit a temple. It was famous for its architectural beauty. Some foreigner also came. Their exotic appearance and behaviour and genial smile made me eager to talk to them. But there was no way. A boy of five years, belonging to a Bengali Medium school, has to suppress such a desire! But it was not so hard for Ratnadip whose schooling was from an eminent English Medium School. With the help of his parents he conveyed many words to them; they smiled, laughed aloud and at last a woman kissed him. I stood helplessly. I got hurt, lost the joy of tour and my eyes lost the sparkles of hope. Then we visited some other places too but an extreme dissatisfaction I bore in my bosom.
“Why are you looking morose, Swarna?”, Kakima asked me.
“No, no! I am quite all right.”, I lied.
The pleasant atmosphere, the hills, and the company of dear and near people—nothing could pour joy to my aching heart, it bled. I remained quite silent throughout this journey of morning.

In the evening we all looked fresh and exuberant. If the time passes gently when you are in anger or sorrow, it is a blessing. I forgot all sorrows that I had in the morning.
“Are you well, Swarna?”, Kakima asked.
“I was never unwell at all Kakima”, I said, smiling.
“No, no…don’t think yourself to be very clever. Any problem was with you in the car”
I smiled awkwardly.
“We are going for a shopping. Would you like to come with us?”, she said.
“Is dad not accompanying you?”
“Yea, we all are going. Won’t u?”
‘Why not?”
“Then be ready quickly”
I got ready. I thought that I would ask my mother to buy some good toys for me.
We went to a big shopping arcade. Various shops were there. My father and Ranjit Kaku bought some shirts for Ratnadip and me.
“Do you like it?”, my father said, handing me a red shirt. I had a casual glance on that and nodded.
Garments do not interest me. My mother bought a handbag, made of fine Italian Leather and Kakima bought some cosmetics, like mascara and sunscreen lotion. I felt bored and asked my mother in a low voice—“Why don’t we go to the toy shop?”
“Wait!”, she replied coldly.

Now Ranjit Kaku started to look here and there anxiously. Seeing it Suchanda Kakima asked-“Hey, what happened?”
“Where is Babai?”, he replied, saying the word ‘Babai’ in an afraid and helpless tone.
A shrill yell came out of the mouth of Kakima. Her eyes soon became wet with tears. My mother also looked here and there anxiously. Ranjit Kaku ran towards other shops and my parents also did the same. I accompanied Kakima. She embraced me heartily and burst out into tears. I stood with a stupid silence and found no word to console her. After a while Ratnadip was found near a toyshop.
At first, Kakima looked at him affectionately but soon her eyes sparkled with anger and said--
“Be quite, can’t you? See Swarna. He is not a naughty boy like you”

We went to a colourful toyshop. Different toys were there like mobile phones, railway engines, talking birds and merry-go-round. These all were electronic toys. Some lovable teddies also attracted my eyes.
“Ma, I want the mobile phone”, I pleaded expectantly.
She seemed to be deaf to my words. I patted on the hand of my mother to draw her attention. When she looked at me I expressed my childish desire. She paid no heed to my words and my father glanced at me coldly.
“Ma, I do need that phone”, I shouted at last.
The anger in my father eyes dazzled me and my mother told me in am unfriendly voice, “It’s a public place. Don’t shout, otherwise…”
I kept quite. At last they bought a small teddy for me. I saw that Kaku and Kakima were buying that phone, some big teddies and various other toys for Ratnadip.
“Why don’t you buy anything for Swarna?”, Ranjit Kaku asked my father.
“Only this one is enough”, my father said, handing me the small teddy. I handed it to my mother disgustedly and morosely.
“Ok. Let me buy something for Swarna”, Kaku said.
“No, no, Ranjit. No need to do that”, my father replied. The hope in me that brightened after hearing the words of Ranjit Kaku lost its glee again. I saw Ratnadip, smiling and looking at me superiorly. I stood like a dumb and deaf boy. THE GLANCE IN HIS EYES RENDED MY HEART. I closed my eyelids.

In that very night, the silence creped in my blood. I lay awake with an unknown and unfamiliar suffering. I did not know why I felt so, may be I was jealous. Yes, very jealous indeed was I! I heaved useless sighs of my pain. Tears rolled down and no welcome relief sprang up.
“What’s the matter with you, Swarna?”, my mother asked.
“Nothing, Ma.”
“I know what the problem is. Now you will not understand but one day you will surely do.”
I did not reply.

In the morning it was found that the temperatures of my body is abnormally high.

-------------------------------------

Years passed. I understood the problem and forgot these nightmarish moments of my past. After ten years I went to their home. In these years Suchanda Kakima bore one little girl. I saw that Ratnadip became very much introvert and bookish. I could not believe the contrast at first. He did not utter a single word till the last day of us in their home.
On that last day I sat in a room of the second floor. A popular novel was in my hand and I was reading it. He tiptoed into the room and said in a low voice—“ Swarnadip…”
I looked at him, thinking that at last he cast off his inertia.
“Yes?”, I said.
“I need to talk to you on a serious topic.”
“Tell me, why are you hesitating?”, I said, trying to keep my voice very friendly.
His bright eyes dimmed. After a few seconds, he pronounced in a low voice of apology—“I am sorry.”
I was puzzled, as I do not have any idea on which he was speaking.
“For what?”, I asked.
“Don’t you recollect the memory of the days of Ishwarpur?”

I got startled. The immense hate I had for him, flickered for a moment and then it blew off. He left the room without talking to me any more. ‘Ratnadip’—I tried to call him by his name and wanted to tell that I had no hatred for you, but…. I couldn’t, I couldn’t speak any more. I lost my capability of speaking. MY HEART RENDED FOR THE SECOND TIME.